the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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