My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
