So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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