mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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