I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
