in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
