We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
