and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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