We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
