I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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