is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
