cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
