So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
