Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
