dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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