No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
