hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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