He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
