Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
