What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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