i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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