One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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