I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
