i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
