you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
