Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
