I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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