In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
