If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
