My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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