Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Rumble strips road head = magical
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
