where am i from again
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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