What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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