If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
