I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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