Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
