I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
