I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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