in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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