the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You know, be my cock's hype man.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
