It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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