Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
