Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
