that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
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His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
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Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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