Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
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She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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