why didn't you poke me back
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
