well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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