I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
