that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
