Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
