Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
