Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
