In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
