The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
