Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
