now i know why i became what i already was.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
