I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
