Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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