My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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