after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
